Maybe if you weren’t so God fearing, we could have sex without you believing it would damage your soul.
At Night
I use the Religious channel as my light because it is always the brightest.
I don’t know what filter they use for their programs but it is almost like having three lights on.
They say words take a life of their own
but your silence is what keeps me awake at night.
I’m constantly writing you letters
that I leave in books, on bus seats and
dressing rooms, hoping that someone
will understand how much I love you
even though I know you wont
ever feel the same way.
I guess I tried everything I could so that you could love me because no one in this household does.
January 11th 2012 (Morning/Mid Afternoon)
I woke up today anxious about something. I just didn’t know what it was. I attempted to not look at my phone so much, and tried to occupy my time so that I wouldn’t think about him. During my shower, I kind of half fell asleep but managed to wake myself up on time before I hit my head on the tile wall. I ended up deciding to go to school today to purchase my books and some supplies for my classes. As I got on the bus, I noticed Jimmy there, texting on his phone. He looked up at me and then looked back down. It kind of bothered me. I remember during Junior year of high school when we would give each other blow jobs after school. I was his first gay kiss, and I wonder if he ever thinks about me, in that way. I find it funny how two people, who could once be so close, grow so far apart. During the bus ride, I looked out the window and hoped that something would try to distract me because from where I was sitting, I continued to look at the back of Jimmy’s head, hoping he’d turn around to say something to me, but he never did. Half way to school, Yvette got on the bus. I felt like a liar because I told her I did not have class on Fridays and me and her ended up going inside school together. I wanted to say more than just a hello to her so I smiled but she was too focused on texting someone, that she didn’t really notice. As I got to school, I waited in line for about twenty minutes until I got inside. I found the books I needed and proceeded to check out. In line, a girl named Tamika, told me that she liked my purple and white headphones. I told her thank you and we began to talk about how most of the items at the book store were severely overpriced. I agreed. After I was done, I walked around school, hoping to see someone I knew. I really didn’t see anyone. I headed to the student center so that I could relax before I headed back home. I walked into the bathroom before I headed to the lounge area, and there he was, Eric. I had had a crush on Eric since my freshman year of college. I was kind of nervous trying to pee while he was still in the bathroom but he was taking really long washing his hands, so I just ended up forcing myself to pee. As I washed my hands he looked at me and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was okay and asked if everything was okay with him. He nodded. He smiled at me and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. While drying my hands on the hand dryer, he began to look me over. It looked like he was going to ask me something and right before I opened the door to leave; he stopped me and asked me for my number. I gave it to him, and he smiled.
In the student lounge, I just sat there, trying to think about what just happened and find a reason why he asked me for my number. I thought to myself “should I have asked him for his number, will he even text me, was he going to prank call me?”
I decided to text my boyfriend to see if he could pick me up from school.
Fifteen minutes later, he picks me up and we drive around the city, ultimately ending up at my house.
Sometimes you need someone to make you feel good for a few hours separate from having someone who loves you every day.
They say freedom is a one way street but what if my heart wants go on the road less traveled?
These Feelings Might Be Artificial
He is like candy. Artificially sweet and bad for my teeth.
But I can’t get enough of his sugary goodness despite the fact that we can’t share jolly rancher kisses laced with Marlboro lights.
Why have you made me miss you?
I hate you for this.
January 10th 2012
I had woken up early thinking about his face. The night before he haunted my dreams and I kept trying to stop this heart wrenching feeling but it was no use. I woke up, blurry eyed to a text from my boyfriend. I got the usual “Good morning beautiful.” It always makes me smile, but I felt guilty for dreaming of another. On the bus to school, I was surprised to have Michelle sit next to me. We haven’t spoken since Jimmy started dating Emilio. She smiled at me but I couldn’t differentiate if it was fake or not, either way, I kept my composure and kept the conversation more about her life than mine. When I arrived to school, I sat in the usual table in the student lounge and looked at my phone. I wanted to text him but I didn’t want to seem so desperate. After all he told me he would text me in a few days but how can I wait for an unset time span? Was there a way I could set my phone alarm to “in a few days”? I must have looked at my phone more than a dozen times, hoping he’d text me, until it eventually vibrated. It was my boyfriend. “Have a wonderful day, my sunshine.” I winced, as if someone was watching me, but I felt more gloom than the sunny escape, he was referring to. I headed to my classes but he was still on my mind. After my first class I headed to work study. I saw this boy that I had met my freshman year at AI in New York City. He smiled at me and greeted me to come over, I was nervous but I proceeded over.
“Jean, right?” I nodded.
“You look good man”
I smiled.
I wanted to say you look good too, but no words could come out my mouth.
Before work study began he slipped me a paper with his number and asked if I wanted to catch up some time. I felt like I was in sixth grade again, and felt anxiety and friendship issues building up a block, making me mute. I stuttered my words but he responded for me.
“No pressure. Whenever you’re ready, just text me.”
As I turned on my computer, to start work, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to go home and cry on my bed. Maybe this is why I hardly have any friends or can barely even keep them. Why am I so fucking stupid and nervous all the time?
I hope I dream about you tonight.
At least then, we can be together without it being a problem.
