January 29th 2013

I have been feeling quite under the weather lately. It was warmer today than it was for the past week. I wasn’t ready for the warm weather. Today was much of a blur, well the start anyway. It was as if nothing was going right, that was until I saw him. I had breezed by my classes and ended up in the lecture hall wanting to go home. After the hour and a half lecture, I decided to get a drink of water and I had gotten the text I had been waiting for, for about a month. “Can we talk?” I wanted to be a dick and ignore him but my heart jumped at the fact that I was going to get a chance to hear his voice again. I called him but no response. I can’t say I was surprised because I wasn’t. While walking to the bus stop, I got a text that said, meet me near broad and market; I just got off of work. I proceeded to walk over to meet him. I must have been waiting for forty five minutes, close to an hour when I felt this feeling in my chest to cry and these water droplets falling from my eyes. I guess in the back of my mind, I knew he was probably going to stand me up but I had hoped that maybe it would be different. As I put my headphones on and proceeded to walk off, a hand rushed to pull me back. It was him. My heart was pounding and I felt stupid. Seeing his face erased all the impatience and hurt that I had felt for being “stood up.” He looked at me and said “come on, let’s walk.” I didn’t say much of anything. He asked me why I was quiet but I didn’t answer. He began to lite up his cigarette and told me how good the day felt. He went to go to hold my hand but caught himself and stopped. I finally asked him what he wanted to talk about, but he looked down, flicking his cigarette, pretending to ignore my question. I wanted so bad to kiss him but I know that it wasn’t the time or place. We eventually talked about our day and how the week was going by so fast. We laughed for a few hours and I ended up getting some coffee at Broad St Coffee. It felt nice to be with him, like in the past. I missed those glowing eyes and his smile and his refreshing talks about the world and its many problems. It then got quiet, both of us looking at each other not sure where this will lead to next. After my coffee, we walked around some more until I decided to walk towards the direction of the bus stop. I wanted him to come with me. I knew that he wasn’t going to. I looked at him, that was all I could do. I told him that I thought it was best I go. I could tell he wanted me to stay, but I just couldn’t fool myself into thinking that this was more than what it was. We waited together for my bus for forty five minutes, I kissed his forehead and he told me he would text me later. I knew he wouldn’t. I got on the bus, sat in the back and waited before the next stop before I began to cry in the sleeve of my hoody.

Limbo

I remember how good it used to feel
to have you fuck me raw on painkillers.
I use to love the headaches after the hair pulls as you bit my neck
tainting my innocence
as you pounded me into what felt like a coma
but my body was very much awake
because I remember counting the veins 
on your arms
as you thrusted into me, each time a little harder than the last.
You filled my insides with death
as you shot rope after rope of lust
creating wavelengths of desire
that felt so wrong.
but to your sweaty body, so right.
And in the wake of the moment
I felt trapped
dead but still alive
numb
and in limbo.

I want to make out with you until the sun comes up. I’d like to talk about the stars and past loves and how none of that even matters.
I’d like to have your kisses fill my mouth with a symphony of feelings and second glances and awkward smiles, that do not promise of a forever.
I want to love you without calling it love and I want to be yours without a label.
I just want us to be.
Existing in an infinite, even if its just for tonight.

I’ve been sick for a few days.

Therefore I have not had sex.
I need to bust a nut. =[

You ever miss something so bad that you wish you never had it in the first place?
This hurt still stings. 

I’m sad but kinda over it but mostly still sad.

I had gotten my iPod stolen today.
I had gone to the bathroom to take a pee for no more than three minutes and return for the last ten minutes of class.
After class I head to my next class which I discover that my iPod was not attached to my headphones.
I emptied my book bag, checked all my pockets and coat and nothing. 
I had returned back to the classroom to see if it was maybe on the floor or if anyone found it but I knew no one was going to turn it in.
I don’t know if I’m more upset that it got stolen or the fact that I had to wait four hours until I could contact apple with my serial number and see if there was anything I could do to prevent it from being registered by someone else. By then they said they would do their best but they really could not pin point a location or anything because it wasn’t on a wifi network.

I went to my icloud and logged into my findmyiphone app to see if it could locate it, but it didn’t.

It is now in lost mode until Thursday  That means it basically has an alarm ring with my contact information if it reaches a wifi signal.  If it doesn’t show up by Thursday I’m out an iPod and some work I had saved on it. 

I guess I learned my lesson to never leave anything unattended in class. 
 

I can almost taste your disappointments like
five day old grapefruits
and salt rimmed shot glasses
filled with more vodka than orange juice.

There has to be a way that I can still love you from afar but have this heart of mine hurt less.

The left side of my bed remains cold
constantly reminding me of how I hate dreaming alone. 

I really thought it was over, but it never really is “just one last cut”.

You’re still breaking my heart, three years later.

January 20th 2012

Today was a pretty good day. I had went to the park in the morning to clear my head and decided to throw rocks in water main and make wishes on leaveless trees. It was pretty cold but I liked being alone. During my walk back home, I had gotten some hot chocolate and a cheese danish. I got a call from my boyfriend that he was going to come over. I was excited to see him and see what this day would have in store with us. I got home to my mother yelling at me about how she wanted me to wash dishes that were not there when I left. After the dishes were done, I took a nice hot shower and attempted to edge myself. I was really horny and knew that once I saw my boyfriend I was going to attack him. My shower didn’t really consist thoughts of my boyfriend though. I thought about him and his musty cigarette smell and how good his  rough hands felt on my skin. I miss him but he still hasn’t texted me. I guess he’s probably over the fact that I wasn’t able to go to his house last week during the days I have school. I apologized but I guess he didn’t really care. After my shower, I got dressed and tidied out my room. When my boyfriend got here, he arrived with some Starbucks and cookies. We ended up cuddling, sipping coffee and watching Pitch Perfect. It was a pretty decent movie. After the movie, I ended up giving him a blow job. It was nice because his precum is really sweet. Its sweeter than anyone I’ve ever been with. Mid blow job, he turns me over and starts eating my butt out and licking my balls. I then rolled over and told him to fuck me. We ended up having sex for a while because no one was in my house. I loved it when he kept slapping my ass and biting my neck and the skin on my shoulder. After about an hour and a half I had been on my back and as he fucked me harder I shot my load and it landed on my chin and he ended up cumming on my balls and ass.  We made out with each others cum. It was nice. Afterwards, we cleaned up and cuddled. We ended up falling asleep, we then got food, ate and started watching another movie. During that movie, I began to think about him. The main character’s desire for his love interest made me think about how I had fallen for him and how it was a sad love story that really has no ending because I don’t think I’ll ever really move on. 

Do I stain your heart
the same way that you rob me
of my sleep each night?

College Tuition

College Tuition
By Jean Roy

I’ve tried everything in my power
to make sure that I cold stay
but what can you do, when you can’t afford college
despite having a 4.0 GPA?

How can a bright mind
be limited by financial worth
when knowledge means nothing
because a tuition payment must come first.

How can I succeed
if the system would much rather have me broke
drowning with over $40,000.00
in credit card debt and student loans.

Why must I be kicked out of college
when my dreams are so high?
I guess a bright future
is something only money can buy.

Copyright 2013
All Rights Reserved

You used to call me every night
but now I’m stuck holding my pillow tight
hoping with all my might
that you’d somehow come back into my life.