We belonged together like sun filled mornings of august and the aromatic smell of freshly ground vanilla bean heaven.
We both knew it was a bad idea to have our hearts bond over chain smoking and stories involving our broken hearted past, but neither one of us liked being alone and kisses without the promise of forever, felt more right than it did wrong.
Laying so close to you on the couch as your arms surrounded my body with a warm sugary wall of comfort that I had quickly grown accustomed to, broke down the barriers I had set up for guys like you.
Our faces had rested against each other, basking in the calm intimacy of a feeling we thought was love, it keeping fear in our trembling lips but hope in our fragile hearts.
We guided each other’s thoughts through light years of secrets that remained trapped in the confines of our own minds for so long.
But we failed to acknowledge the truth and realize that two hearts filled with doubt can never work out.
Like trying to fit a square peg in a round slot, two broken hearts cannot make a whole, no matter how much you try.
I wish all I needed was a Band-Aid to hide the scars on my wrist.
The temptation to feel something, anything is too great for me to resist.
I wish that I could lie and pretend that your love makes everything all better.
You and I both know that broken hearts aren’t that easy to put back together.
There is so much I wish I could tell you, but I fear there still will be no solution.
I know your pure kindness will feed my heart with a magical illusion.
But razor bladed problems need far more cutting edge solutions.
I had tried to sweep these feelings under the carpet. I soon came to the realization that I had gotten this apartment for the hardwood floors that outstretched the perimeter of the place. Screaming into my pillow,temporarily allowed myself to release the excruciating-mind numbing pain that I’ve held in for the last seven months. I was never one to allow such common hurts to take over my life, but loss of love proved to be different. I sit here alone, allowing the chill of these dark maple floorboards to touch the bare skin under my legs. My body was lost and crying, for every tissue, bone and marrow craved a comfort that was not offered to me. So I lay here, alone, an apartment filled with windows and doors, yet my heart remains trapped in the walls that you had once helped me build to protect myself from this very hurt I’m suffering from.
To say we are a perfect couple would be a real understatement. We loved each other based on imperfections, mistakes and our ability to love one another unconditionally. We fought often and made up before bed. Our goals fused into one another and we both sought similar dreams in the vast sky of opportunity. We were never worried about being a perfect couple, and instead focused on making sure both of our hearts were being taken care of. We weren’t the typical love that you would see in movies and we were fine with that. Each year at around the same time we realize that we both have missed our anniversary again, it’s our inside joke of not being a perfect kind of couple.
My mind was constantly at war with itself. I often contemplated if my life really had any meaning or was it just some sick game that I was in. People spoke of free will, as if it was some grand gift. But I knew better, my life resembled a horrible movie, with constant plot and character changes. This story of my life should have remained fiction, but there is no way of escaping this “reality”. Well not yet anyway. I had decided early on that my life had to have been written by an overprivlidged, blasé seven year old, on a paper table cloth with black and blue crayons in a restaurant I always would frequent as a child.
I knew that I liked her but I didn’t know how to show it. She would always hug me after school and I would get this weird feeling in my stomach whenever she was around. I guess on impulse, I decided that the Monday after our staff development school break I would tell her and show her how I felt. I remember asking my older cousin what I should do to show a girl I liked her. He told me to make sure my heart did the walking and my lips do that talking. That Monday I was so nervous but I knew it was now or never. My first kiss consisted of putting a strawberry in her mouth and then trying to taste it with her because I didn’t know what to do with my tongue.
I had planned on keeping you in our imaginary castle until I returned from battle. I wanted to make sure that you could be strong enough without me. I knew that although the days were long and the nights would be longer, our love would overcome this hurdle and soon we could be happy together. Since my return, you tried to kill yourself. It was with the second time I stopped you that I knew I truly loved you. After the third time I realized that maybe you just couldn’t love me or your life for that matter. How could I save my princess from harm, when she was the one doing the harming to herself?
As June is coming to an end I start to think about the last three summers ago. I remember all the moments me and him had once shared. I used to believe that love was so filled with promise and positivity but soon learned it was everything but the fairy tale I had hoped it would be. I should have known that summer love was just that, love only lasting the summer. Looking back, although I was so naïve, I realized that I had never loved someone so much. I hate admitting to myself that I still think about him. That summer he gave me the most amazing, adventure-filled weeks of my life that were well worth the two years of heartbreak that had followed.
As I was rushing to get home, I could not believe that you could easily throw away the three years we had been building. I had no idea how to escape from your words “I am no longer in love with you” that continued to echo in my head. As I turned up the music in my car radio to drown out the sounds of pain that were heavy on my heart, I got side swiped by the Ballast tractor truck. It was kind of ironic, the feeling of losing the one you love as getting hit by the tractor. All I could remember was the song “I will always love you” playing in the background before everything went black. As I awoken, I wanted nothing more to have you by my side, taking me back, but that was just wishful thinking on my part. When I learned that the off duty EMT who pulled me out of the wreckage shared your name, I knew it was fate screwing with me, but appreciated you kind of being there all the same.
I wanted to tell you for the longest time, I just couldn’t find a way to let my inner most thoughts be shared with you, while still having you easily understand them. You see, during that first kiss, my hands shivered with a kind of cold excitement. I closed my eyes and as our lips pressed against one another, a surge of colorful fireworks filled my minds eye. You let go suddenly but the friction and need of my arms pulled you in again, indicating how bad I didn’t want this to stop. I wanted to know all the sweetness of your lips and the bitterness of your bite. I just didn’t want this kiss to mean things would change between us. I just wanted the ability to rewrite the laws of the universe so that this moment in time could stay frozen and last eternally, I think I deserved that much.
I waited by the window. Each raindrop reflected the tears that flowed down my cheeks. I woke up early and spent extra time washing myself in the bath. I wore my new outfit to impress him because I haven’t seen him in a while. I waited and waited. I think I counted more than a zillion cars passing by. Nothing hurts more than a six year old boy waiting for a father that was never planning on showing up.
I looked up at him with my broken toy in my hand and said, “Why do you get so angry?” It was hard for me to walk because of the beating that I just received. All I was doing was playing with my GI Joes and toy Tonka truck. I guess I had woken him up from all my playing and giggling. All I could remember was looking in the mirror in the bathroom and viewing the black and blues that had formed from the day before and the red sore marks that have developed in the last couple minutes. I thought to myself, “aw man I am going to get more now.” I believed that this was normal, I didn’t know this was child abuse and that he couldn’t hit me the way he did.
I always wanted to know what it was like. I always wanted to know how it felt to be loved by you. I wanted to know what exactly made him different from me. I guess I am just a stupid guy who fell in love with an equally stupid boy. I was right in front of you giving you all of me. You were too blind to see exactly what I was offering you. I guess my heart couldn’t compare to his.