Saturday July 14th 2012

Today was an exceptionally good day. Today had great significance to me because my boyfriend and I have successfully worked on and kept a beautiful relationship for the past five months now and I was pretty excited about it. I haven’t had one of those days filled with simple beauty and enjoyment in a while, so this change of pace was much needed and appreciated.

I woke up to my mother’s screaming as usual and a good morning text from my boyfriend that always reminds me that waking up is worth it.
I took my morning piss and ended up falling back asleep once I went back to my bed.
Upon my second time waking up I brushed my teeth again, pissed and took a shower.
I responded back to my boyfriend and scrolled through Tumblr as he was on his way to come over with an unknown surprise I was curious about.

Before his arrival I washed the mountain of dishes that remained in the sink from a breakfast I was not invited to enjoy hours before.
When he got to my house we headed to my room and he told me to close my eyes, which I did.
He had surprised me with a card he made that depicted a scene from my favorite cartoon Bob’s Burgers.
It was so adorable and got me teary eyed. Then he had planned for us to go to the movies and watch The Amazing Spiderman. We made out for a few before we headed out so that I could purchase hair gel, hair spray and chewing gum before heading to the movies.

We arrived to the movie and got like a mountain of food. Neither one of us had eaten all day so we had gotten a small pop corn (which was sized like a large), a large soda, nachos, mozzarella sticks, Cruncha munch, two hot dogs and a blue berry Slurpee (They were out of cherry).  By the time we ate the hotdogs, we were full so we ate the rest of the food towards the end of the movie, and still had enough to bring some home. 

The movie was great. I enjoyed watching Andrew Garfield’s butt in that tight spandex suit.  I think Emma Stone is so fucking adorable and a great actress in any role she is in. I want her to be my surrogate.

I got home, washed another mountain of dishes and had some great oral sex with my boyfriend. :)
We made out after, talked about seeing him tomorrow and then he headed home.
Today was absolute perfection. I am blessed and happy.

Despite My Horrible Morning….

I had —- well still have,  a horrible toothache that had made the left side of my face swollen. I couldn’t go to work today because I could barely swallow anything let alone make an hour and a half commute to work, so I stayed home, took some medicine and slept. I got visited by my best friend and my boyfriend and they hung out with me at home. :) I love them both. :D Although the day started out horribly, I guess it became pretty okay.

Friday, May 18th 2012

Today was an okay day. I was able to relax for a bit in the morning and have some alone time with myself and think about my life at the present moment. I have finished yet another scholarship essay that I need to submit. I have been procrastinating on finishing my Fasfa mainly because I do not know if I should put myself as independent because I have been paying my mother rent or dependent because I still live with her for the time being. I worked from 1:00-5:50 today. I had tricked my boyfriend into thinking that he was going to take me to the laundromat so that I could do my laundry and ended up taking him out on a date. It was very cute, and I loved seeing his smile and appreciation for the little I can do especially with the limited budget I do have with my expenses of rent, bus cards and bi weekly haircuts. Although I do not make tons of money, I enjoy my job and my boss is pretty cool. I am planning on doing the paperwork needed to triple major in the fall. I will be obtaining an Associates Of Applied Science in New media technology and also obtain my certifications for Internet Web Design and Computer Aided Design/Desktop Publishing from my current school and then transfer with my open admissions acceptance to my dream school and finish my two years to achieve a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Graphic Design with a concentration in Digital Image Manipulation. 
I am excited for the road ahead. I am nervous but I feel like I am headed in the right direction. :)

May 14th 2012

Today I work from 1:50-7:00
I sometimes wish there was a form of medication that would allow selected amnesia. Maybe then I could be at ease and stop the hurt I am feeling.
Today will be another day that will consist of faked smiles and the typical lie of “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine, Just a little tired.”
I hope this day goes by fast. I just want to go in my bed and sleep for another few hours. 
Sleeping helps me cope when my reality has turned into pure fuckery.  

I Should Be Sleeping…. But Obviously I’m Not

I really should be sleeping right now.

I have work at 11:00 am later today and it is 2:48 am the time that I am writing this.

I want to call my boyfriend but I really don’t want to wake him up, as he barely gets any sleep as it is.

I have been listening to the same song for the last five hours and it has weirdly adapted to everything that I am doing.

I mean I started crying and the song somehow got more depressing.

I started eating gummy bears and the song emphasized the up-tempo bass. 

I may be going crazy. 

I feel so dumb that the only thing I am looking forward to later is to get my cup of coffee to start off my day.

I used to manage my days without any caffeine but working part time and going to school full time, I need that extra push to get me through the day.

My teeth have started to suffer so I purchased teeth bleaching kits, Whitening toothpaste and whitening mouth wash on the days I don’t bleach. 

I Really Hate….

• When I’m standing in line to purchase something and someone is chewing or popping their chewing gum in my ear. What the fuck is wrong with you?
• When someone slurps their soup or juice as if they are sucking this huge black cock that they are trying to savor. Your food/drink is not going anywhere for fucks sake.
• When people act as if they know everything about me.
• When I do my hair and I still have this one idiot Puerto Rican Curl that will not stick down. 
• When they don’t have my flavor of coffee available at my local quickchek. I should have just spent the extra three dollars and went to Starbucks. 
• People who allow themselves to smell horribly. I’ve gone to a few dollar stores, they have whole sections now for all your personal needs. Clearly it is not a money issue, just a hygiene issue. 
• When someone decides to talk all close to me with hot corn chip breath. I just CAN’T.
• When I’m trying to jerk off and people keep texting me. Just leave me the fuck alone and allow me to cum in peace.
• When I shave all my pubic hair and then the hair starts growing back on day three. -_-
• Same shit with my hair. The haircut only last 7 days then it gets all fucked. Why must it grow so fast. WHY?!?!?!?!

Craziest Day

• Today at work, I had to deal with these two demonic children touching shit and breaking apart the whole store because their mother was far too lazy to reprimand her two daughters. 

• While at the register some girl farted and tried to disguise it with a cough but her fart just kept going on for a long fifteen seconds.

• This young couple had purchased a fertility basket and a spiritual reading. During the spiritual consultation the girl had her period on our new seat cushions. I guess she got her answer for this month. 

• Arriving home, the people who live in my building were all outside in some kind of brawl. I saw this one lady with a fisher price bat beating the shit out of the gay kid that lives in the basement. The cops came and took the fag-a-tron away. He apparently was stealing things from the storage lockers in the basement for heroine.

• While walking up the stairs, I saw my mom come out looking like she was the one doing the heroine. Her hair was all fucked up like she was in some raunchy rodeo gang bang. I could not deal with the fuckery of her appearance. 

• I missed Pretty Little Liars at 8 Pm and forced to wait until 10:00 to catch it again.

Compliments

I deny all your compliments.
Words are what have made me hate my appearance.
Words cannot undo the damage
that has previously impacted my mind many years ago.

Words like fat and ugly cannot be undone with the words “You are beautiful.”

It’s hard to think otherwise
when you’re so used to the insults.
You start to believe the hate others have towards you
and begin to hate yourself.

How can you love me and see me as beautiful
when I cannot even look at myself in the mirror
let alone love myself.

Oh Today…

My mom finally has outdone herself. I walk in the door and she started her bitching and I got so flustered that I vomited in the living room. My back and throat are killing me now.
Today is just not a good day. 

Walking Into The Apartment From Class…

Can I walk in and pee before the bullshit starts? No. Not possible.
I was getting yelled at because apparently the fact that my ex boyfriend abandoning me two years ago is the reason why my mother’s boyfriend wont ever commit to her. I nearly laughed out loud. She kept telling me “You aren’t supposed to be here, you aren’t even supposed to be alive.” and then there is also my favorite one “I should have gotten that abortion, why didn’t I fucking listen to the people who knew what was best for me.”
Although it effects me more than I’d like it to, I just walked out the house, I could not take it.
I’m currently here at the library venting my problems here trying to keep myself from crying.
It is evident, my ex boyfriend didn’t want me, no other family wants me, my mother doesn’t want me.
If everyone in the world is trying to tell me I’m unwanted, I get the memo. It’s ok. I understand I’m not this spectacular person who can influence your life, who can buy you dinner, hell I can’t even buy myself dinner.
But what I do have is some hope and lots of love.
I really don’t need another breakdown like I had in school the other day.
It is really hard to pretend that everything is going to end up fine with me.

No Power Snow Storm

I had no power today from around 1:50 pm until 15 minutes ago because of the October snow here in New Jersey.
Because my heat is run on electric, I have been freezing under a massive ball of blankets trying to get warm. 

Reasoning for my lack of posts this week:
I’ve had midterms this whole past week. I’ve been studying my ass off to pass them.
I have gotten my grades back for my Math and English courses and have passed both of them. I am proud of myself. :D I am waiting on my last midterm results and then I shall return to posting as normal. 
I love you guys. Just wanted to say good night/morning/afternoon.
I love you <3 

First Snow Fall Here In Jersey.

I’m under my covers reading. :)
I’d give anything for some white hot chocolate :) 

In literature, there are thousands of endings. Some happy, some sad. Some end with a twist.

This lonely boy refuses to be lonely anymore.
I’m rewriting this chapter, you no longer have control over my life and its story. 

I Know I’m Not Hot

…but loss of 15 followers after the post with my face.
LOL. Sorry, I’m not a hot, shirtless, lady gaga-nicki minaj obsessed type of gay. 
I’m okay with that though. Maybe not the hot part, I’d like to be hott, but you can keep your judgements of me. I don’t think I’m that damn fugly. 

My Mom Purchased Some NyQuil.

I should not be shaking this much in excitement.
I have a problem but tonight will be a lovely night to sleep.