January 11th 2012 (Morning/Mid Afternoon)

I woke up today anxious about something. I just didn’t know what it was. I attempted to not look at my phone so much, and tried to occupy my time so that I wouldn’t think about him. During my shower, I kind of half fell asleep but managed to wake myself up on time before I hit my head on the tile wall.  I ended up deciding to go to school today to purchase my books and some supplies for my classes.  As I got on the bus, I noticed Jimmy there, texting on his phone. He looked up at me and then looked back down. It kind of bothered me. I remember during Junior year of high school when we would give each other blow jobs after school. I was his first gay kiss, and I wonder if he ever thinks about me, in that way. I find it funny how two people, who could once be so close, grow so far apart.  During the bus ride, I looked out the window and hoped that something would try to distract me because from where I was sitting, I continued to look at the back of Jimmy’s head, hoping he’d turn around to say something to me, but he never did. Half way to school, Yvette got on the bus. I felt like a liar because I told her I did not have class on Fridays and me and her ended up going inside school together. I wanted to say more than just a hello to her so I smiled but she was too focused on texting someone, that she didn’t really notice. As I got to school, I waited in line for about twenty minutes until I got inside. I found the books I needed and proceeded to check out. In line, a girl named Tamika, told me that she liked my purple and white headphones. I told her thank you and we began to talk about how most of the items at the book store were severely overpriced. I agreed.  After I was done, I walked around school, hoping to see someone I knew. I really didn’t see anyone. I headed to the student center so that I could relax before I headed back home.  I walked into the bathroom before I headed to the lounge area, and there he was, Eric. I had had a crush on Eric since my freshman year of college. I was kind of nervous trying to pee while he was still in the bathroom but he was taking really long washing his hands, so I just ended up forcing myself to pee. As I washed my hands he looked at me and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was okay and asked if everything was okay with him. He nodded. He smiled at me and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  While drying my hands on the hand dryer, he began to look me over.  It looked like he was going to ask me something and right before I opened the door to leave; he stopped me and asked me for my number. I gave it to him, and he smiled. 

In the student lounge, I just sat there, trying to think about what just happened and find a reason why he asked me for my number. I thought to myself “should I have asked him for his number, will he even text me, was he going to prank call me?” 

I decided to text my boyfriend to see if he could pick me up from school.

Fifteen minutes later, he picks me up and we drive around the city, ultimately ending up at my house.  

Daily Confession: January 10th 2012

I don’t want to get too attached to whatever this could be because I know once you get to know the real me, you will end up leaving me like all the others.

Sometimes you need someone to make you feel good for a few hours separate from having someone who loves you every day. 

They say freedom is a one way street but what if my heart wants go on the road less traveled?

These Feelings Might Be Artificial

He is like candy. Artificially sweet and bad for my teeth. 
But I can’t get enough of his sugary goodness despite the fact that we can’t share jolly rancher kisses laced with Marlboro lights. 

Why have you made me miss you?
I hate you for this. 

January 10th 2012

I had woken up early thinking about his face. The night before he haunted my dreams and I kept trying to stop this heart wrenching feeling but it was no use. I woke up, blurry eyed to a text from my boyfriend. I got the usual “Good morning beautiful.” It always makes me smile, but I felt guilty for dreaming of another. On the bus to school, I was surprised to have Michelle sit next to me. We haven’t spoken since Jimmy started dating Emilio. She smiled at me but I couldn’t differentiate if it was fake or not, either way, I kept my composure and kept the conversation more about her life than mine.   When I arrived to school, I sat in the usual table in the student lounge and looked at my phone. I wanted to text him but I didn’t want to seem so desperate. After all he told me he would text me in a few days but how can I wait for an unset time span? Was there a way I could set my phone alarm to “in a few days”? I must have looked at my phone more than a dozen times, hoping he’d text me, until it eventually vibrated. It was my boyfriend. “Have a wonderful day, my sunshine.” I winced, as if someone was watching me, but I felt more gloom than the sunny escape, he was referring to. I headed to my classes but he was still on my mind. After my first class I headed to work study. I saw this boy that I had met my freshman year at AI in New York City.  He smiled at me and greeted me to come over, I was nervous but I proceeded over.
“Jean, right?” I nodded.
“You look good man”
I smiled.
I wanted to say you look good too, but no words could come out my mouth.
Before work study began he slipped me a paper with his number and asked if I wanted to catch up some time. I felt like I was in sixth grade again, and felt anxiety and friendship issues building up a block, making me mute. I stuttered my words but he responded for me.
“No pressure. Whenever you’re ready, just text me.”
As I turned on my computer, to start work, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to go home and cry on my bed. Maybe this is why I hardly have any friends or can barely even keep them. Why am I so fucking stupid and nervous all the time?

I hope I dream about you tonight.

At least then, we can be together without it being a problem.

Daily Confession: January 9th 2012

I hope you find happiness. But I hope an STD finds you first.

I’ve tried erasing your smile from my mind.
while telling myself, that without you, i’ll be just fine.
But the truth can’t always cover up the lie
when your heart is missing a love that has died. 

January 9th 2012 (Mid Morning-Afternoon)

I have no idea what I was thinking but I was on a mission to change my day for the better.

Lucky I found thirty five dollars in a bush by my house. Drug money perhaps, but the coffee and croissant that I spent it on was worth it. 

The day was pretty chilly, why I kept only one glove on was oblivious to me.

Was I trying to channel Michael Jackson before the molestation charges?

I walked around a few different places and took some pictures of things I wouldn’t really have found interesting.

I guess its true what they say, you find beauty in the most obscure of places. 

We had met up as if it was some weird coincidence to see each other again. 

The walk around cedar something was interesting.

I didn’t know what town we were in but all I remember was that it was really quiet and neither one of us tried to breathe too loud.

There were moments were our hands would slightly caress each other and I felt this weird sensation whenever his warmth would grace my fingertips.

We ended up talking three hours later about how the other one wished that high school would have been different and if we would have had a better bond if instead of believing others, we followed the feelings we once had for one another.

Upon trails of leave barren trees and rocks of silver and brown, we decided to walk our separate ways. As I began to walk away, he hugged me from the back and I could smell the cigarette he smoked before meeting me for our adventure. I wonder if I made him nervous, or did he think I wasn’t going to show up?

I had to meet my boyfriend in about three hours, so I proceeded to walk back from where we came from. We looked back at each other and smiled. 

I wanted to kiss him, just so I could know what it felt like, or if I was missing out on something, but I didn’t.

He told me it wasn’t really a goodbye and that he’d text me in a few days after he had time to clear his mind, but I hate waiting.

Daily Confession January 8th 2012

Lunch dates always come with dessert.

Second Class Of The Day

I made some new friends.

:)

It feels nice to have people in your life who don’t know your past. 

January 8th 2012 (Morning)

I had rubbed my cock to completion twice to try and release the anxious feeling that starting a new job and a new semester gave me. I had taken a sleeping pill the night before to help me get into the routine of falling asleep at a decent hour.  

I remember that I had woken up to piss with a message on my phone from this guy who cannot take a hint. He texts me of how badly he wants to see me and kiss me but I press the delete button and try not to think much of it.

I got up and took a nice warm piss that was somewhat difficult to aim at the toilet because my cock has a slight curve when it is extremely hard, like it usually is during morning pee boners.

Before getting in the shower, I weighed myself expecting to be in the 200lb range again but thankfully I was still 195. 

I rubbed my body as the temperature of the flowing water temperature increased, causing the mirror to slightly fog before I walked into the steamy shower.

I usually turn the shower head to massage mode to wake me up and release the tension on my back. Feeling the pressure of the shower heads and heat caress my back, I instantly get turned on. 

I take my shower poof and lather it with my body wash and start to slowly rub my body from my neck and down to my nipples. 

I began to rub my nipples, which then turned to pressured pinching, which made me let out a slight moan. 

As my nipples were hard I took my wash cloth and began to lather it with some body wash as my shower poof laid on the tub floor. I began to rub my cock slowly and cleaning it gently and allowing the edges of the washcloth to tickle the vein on my dick head.

After I rinse off, I began to clean my ass and start fingering myself with my free hand.

I cum all over my stomach and repeat for a second time.

After I cleanse my body from all the sticky mess and wash my hair, I brush my teeth and lay on my bed naked, waiting for my body to air dry so that I could start the day.  

Anonymous asked: Do u think age really matters in love

No. But then again in the eyes of the law if you are under the age of 18 and are having sex with someone 18 and older, that person can be in some serious trouble. All in all, be wise with whatever decision you make.