January 12th 2013
Today was pretty interesting. I spent a majority of my day waiting for the bus, but my destination was worth it. I had gone to a Barnes and Nobles two hours away from my house and decided to explore the surroundings of this area. I spent the morning browsing books and loving the air and basking in the aroma of creativity and inner calm. On the bus ride, I met Jacob. He was tall, curly haired and model esque. He looked like he was cropped out of a magazine, so I did not understand why he was using public transit. He had sat with me in the back, and during the forty minute bus ride, about twenty minutes through, he asked me for the time. Those first ten awkward minutes were of dead silence and silent glances and smiles. I breathed and got up the courage to ask him for his name. He told me “Jacob” His voice was smooth yet firm. I could see him getting a bit nervous while talking to me so I tried to not stare into his eyes. I asked him what was his day going to be like and he began to tell me how he was going to visit some friends for some paintball. I thought that was cool and wish I had friends I could do that with. He then began to ask me what my day would consist of. I almost panicked but I told him that I wanted to try and explore a new Barnes and Nobles and maybe get some inspiration and of course some coffee. He told me how he thought my day would end up being better than his but I told him, I thought his would be more fun. As we talked more, I noticed the bus driver signaling to me that my stop would be next. I didn’t want to leave, I felt comfortable talking to him, even though he was a complete stranger. Before the bus stopped, I gave him my number. He smiled and said “Jean, have a nice adventure.” I smiled back and told him to kick ass during paintball. As I got out the bus, I saw a mini bar and grill, a pizza parlor, a coffee shop and then the mini strip mall where the Barnes and Nobles was. I texted my boyfriend to tell him that I was okay and proceeded to go get some coffee. I liked the feel of small coffee shops rather than Starbucks. There is something more personal and inviting about it. I ended up getting a vanilla chai tea and sat down with my laptop. I liked sitting around, looking at other people relax and enjoy their Saturday morning. It felt nice to be at peace in a place where no one knew me or expected anything less than a hello and a smile. Something I could never get away with back home.
I believe that two people are connected at the heart and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are or where you live, there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.
I try not to smile but your face makes me feel something unexplainable.
One day you’ll feel the
hurt of loving someone who
doesn’t love you back.
…Then you’ll understand this pain in my chest.
I spend days searching
in the mirror for all the
things that made you leave.
…What could I have done to make you stay?
Maybe if you weren’t so God fearing, we could have sex without you believing it would damage your soul.
At Night
I use the Religious channel as my light because it is always the brightest.
I don’t know what filter they use for their programs but it is almost like having three lights on.
They say words take a life of their own
but your silence is what keeps me awake at night.
I’m constantly writing you letters
that I leave in books, on bus seats and
dressing rooms, hoping that someone
will understand how much I love you
even though I know you wont
ever feel the same way.
I guess I tried everything I could so that you could love me because no one in this household does.
